A Fool's Goddess - Chapter Eighteen
I awoke on my bed, sweating, disheveled, with my sheets cast onto the floor. I was panting, my heart was pounding in my chest, and my eyes felt as if they were about to pop out of their sockets. I immediately sat upright.
But I felt strangely calm. Peaceful, even.
I had seen her. I had heard her.
But why?
It was through that question that my serenity was broken and chaotic thoughts clamored into my mind, each fighting the others for dominance.
Why had she appeared to me? Why now? Was there meaning in that? And what did she mean by all those things she called me? I was her follower and a sculptor dedicated to her, but “beloved”? I loved her with every fiber of my being, but how could I possibly be worthy of such sweet words from Tornara?
I tried to rationalize what I saw that night as an indulgent dream, an ego-fueled hallucination made for the express purpose of wish-fulfillment, but my heart adamantly rejected the possibility. What I had witnessed was a genuine act of divine intervention. I knew what Tornara had said was unquestionably true and to consider otherwise was beyond blasphemous. I quickly abandoned any doubt.
However, I couldn't help but try to find the meaning within that dream. I wanted to know why Tornara had appeared that night, the night my studio was completed. Was there significance in that, or was it mere coincidence?
Something urged me that it was the former, that Tornara had entrusted me with a task that was only suitable for a master. But what was the task?
There was a piece of my memory missing. It was like I had forgotten something, a void in my mind that I knew should have been filled. I was more than eager to begin sculpting her likeness again, but I now felt I had another goal, despite having no idea what it might be.
I looked out my window. It was still dark out, only the faintest edges of sunlight peeking over the horizon. Unfortunately, I was wide awake now so there was no chance I could go back to sleep in pursuit of another blessed dream. I got dressed and sat limply on the bed, mulling over what I had witnessed.
The image of Tornara sitting at my side was permanently etched into my mind. Even now, I just needed to close my eyes to see her on that boulder again. My ears risked being deafened to all other sounds as I recalled the melody of her voice.
I looked at Tornara’s painting. The sight within the frame seemed more real than ever, like it was pulled directly from my memory. My Goddess’ smile was always wonderful, but there was now something more personal about it.
It was like that smile was meant specifically for me.
“Thank you, Tornara.”
I felt I had so much more to say, but none of it was meaningful. I wanted to speak to her, but just like in the dream, my tongue had become twisted. I lacked the words to properly express the splendor that dream had brought me. Minutes ticked by as I struggled to articulate my feelings.
“You know, you’re even more beautiful in person,” I finally said. “And the view from your mountain was amazing, so I can see why you always look so happy there. Your voice was incredible as well. It was so pretty and gentle, like the melody of a songbird. I hope I can hear it again someday, especially that precious laugh of yours.”
I was a bit embarrassed to speak so sweetly, but I couldn’t help myself. My heart was practically bursting with affection for my dearest Tornara.
“What you said to me… I want you to know that I really appreciate it. To be called such magnificent things by a Goddess… I don’t think there will ever be another man as enviable as me. I want to say I’m not worthy of being called such things, but I wouldn’t think of denying them either. Maybe it’s a weird state of mind, but I’m beyond happy to have it. It’s probably the best paradox to be in.”
I sighed and closed my eyes, replaying the dream once again in my mind.
“I feel like there was something else you told me, something you wanted me to do. But it’s like I can’t remember, maybe because it was in a dream. Still, I’ll figure it out. Even if it takes months or years, I’ll find what’s missing and carry out your wishes. My love for you won’t allow an alternative.”
I hopped to my feet and stretched my shoulders. I felt so energized, so ready to move. It was like today was destined to be a good day and no dark clouds could come and spoil it. I looked at Tornara with my head held high.
“Your beloved Lior is eager to serve his beloved Goddess. Please, continue to watch over me while I figure out what I need to do for you.”
I strode out of my bedroom and into the studio proper. Focused and full of fiery passion, I grabbed a large chunk of clay and got to work, molding the first pieces of pottery I had promised the villagers of Tresety.
By the time Hed showed up, I had a trio of large pots ready for the kiln. He was impressed that I had made them so fast and just as excited as I was to see them finished. Seeing his master demonstrate his skills must have inspired him as well as he resumed his training on his own. He began making another practice vase while I moved onto my fourth pot.
It was soon apparent that my apprentice was sensing there was something different about me this morning. It wasn’t like I was trying to hide my happiness, but I didn’t want to invite Hed’s smartassery by telling him that my Goddess has visited me in my dreams. He wasn’t satisfied with my roundabout explanations, however, and kept prodding me for an answer.
“Did you drink some of that gross stuff from the farmer, Mr. Lior?”
“Not enough to perk me up like this. And you got a letter wrong, I’m supposed to be Master Lior now, remember?”
“Right. You still just don’t seem like a masterful guy.”
“Blame your mom. I’m happy for the title, don’t get me wrong, but I’m with you on whether I fit the bill.”
Hed narrowed his eyes at me. “Oh, I wanted to ask; can you eat clay?”
“Technically, yes. Small bits can help calm an upset stomach, but too much will make you sick.”
“What about plaster?”
“Nope. That will definitely make you sick, if it doesn’t kill you.”
“I take it cement is out of the question too?”
“Are you hungry or something?”
“Not for food, no. I’m just starving to find out what’s got you in such all smiley.”
“Can’t I just be in a good mood?”
“Not to the point where you’re dropping your half of our schtick. I called you the wrong name, insulted you, then asked about eating a bunch of stupid shit, but you didn’t call me ‘dumbass’ or give me anything to work with.”
“We’re not a comedy duo, you know,” I sighed.
“There again! Where’s your righteous umbrage, your haughty returns, the asshole Master Lior I know and… know?!”
“I’d think you’d be happy that I’m letting you off the hook for intentionally acting stupid.”
“Not to this degree. It’s weird.”
Hed pouted as he continued working on his vase. It had only been a few days, but he was already getting the hang of how to shape them evenly despite how we lacked a pottery wheel. I allowed myself a moment of pride. Maybe I could be a decent teacher, even if my student was trying to rile me up half the time.
“So do we have enough clay for now?” Hed asked.
“For a day or two. You can see how large the pots I’m making are, so they use an equally large amount of clay. We’ll be out there gathering more soon enough.”
“Kind of a pain in the ass we have to get it ourselves.”
“Hiring help for that kind of thing isn’t cheap. My master only did commissions so she could afford to have materials delivered to her, but we don’t have that kind of luxury.”
“I guess it’s nice we don’t gotta worry about getting tools, though.”
“Speaking of which, your tools seem pretty high quality. Gifts to the mayor?”
“Sort of, they’re from Mama’s boyfriend.”
“Right, the smith. You know, despite seeing him pretty much every day last week, I never caught his name.”
“Don’t look at me. I dunno either.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know the name of your mom’s boyfriend?”
“Mama just calls him pet names and I keep forgetting to ask him, alright?”
Neglecting to ask someone’s name was rude in my book, but still not knowing it after they’ve been seeing your mother for years was almost impressive enough to eclipse the offensive levels of disinterest required.
“I’ll ask Tzofiya next time I see her, I guess. Hed, come help me set these in the kiln.”
With my fourth pot done, my apprentice helped me get the set in the furnace. I had already warmed up the kiln, so now it was just a waiting game. The clay around here made everything feel smoother, so I was curious to see how the final product would turn out.
“So… Master?” Hed said.
“Yes, apprentice?”
“Really though, did something good happen to you last night?”
“Is it really bugging you that much?”
“It is! You keep smiling, even when you ain’t looking at anything funny. It’s distracting!”
“Telling me my mood is damaging your practice won’t make me tell you.”
“Please? Tell me, as a favor to your precious protege?”
“Sucking up won’t work either.”
“Oh, woe is the student who knows not why his master smiles!” He tossed an arm over his brow and leaned back dramatically.
I had to give him credit for persistence and creativity. Lucky for him, I was getting tired of playing hard to get.
“Alright, alright,” I grumbled. “I had a good dream last night.”
“What happened in it?”
“You showed up at my house with a cart full of desserts and fresh ale and stopped being a smartass forever.”
“Sounds more like a nightmare to me. What actually happened?”
“Tch, fine. I was on a mountain at sunset, and there was a whole field of clouds spreading out around the mountain. I was completely aware that I was in a dream, but more importantly, I recognized that I was in the scene from Tornara’s painting. I was just sitting there, on a boulder, looking out at the horizon.”
Hed didn’t even try to hide his disappointment. “Really? That’s it? That’s what’s got you all buzzed up?”
“I’m not done yet, you little shit.”
“Ah…” His face relaxed with relief, happy to have been cursed at once again.
“Anyways, after a bit, I heard a woman laughing. When I turned to face her, I was blessed with the sight of my Goddess sitting next to me. She was smiling at me, and before I could say anything , she greeted me and called me her “beloved Lior”. I wanted to reply, but I unfortunately woke up right then. Despite that, I feel more than enlightened. I feel loved.”
Hed stared at me, expressionless. I stared back, mentally preparing myself for whatever sarcastic comment he was trying to concoct. He soon had one.
“Master, I think you should quit drinking.”
“Hmph, like you’d know what my limits are. There’s not enough alcohol in this village to fool me into thinking I’d been granted communion with the divine. Besides, drinking alone is boring.”
“Why’s it boring?”
“You just end up passing out on the floor. Nobody’s there to lend a shoulder, take you home, and laugh at all the stupid things you did. It just reminds you of how lonely you are, except now you’re hungover and even more miserable.”
“Well, don’t worry, Master. I’ll laugh at all the stupid shit you do even when you’re sober.”
“Likewise, my arrogant little novice. And, unlike you, I’m experienced enough to see every mistake you make.”
“I plead the innocence of the initiate.”
“Savor that for now, you’ll lose that protection eventually. Until then, I’ll be watching, waiting, for my revenge.”
“I’m sure glad I’m not your son. Your kids are gonna have a hard life if you’re gonna be so vindictive.”
“My kids wouldn’t be smartasses.”
“Being a smartass is underrated. If you take the component words, it means I’m both intelligent and tough as a mule.”
“Or it means you’re a pain and you stink.”
“It’s good to have you back, Master.”
I would never understand why he actually liked bickering and being insulted. Tzofiya had said I was a masochist, but perhaps she should take a closer look at her own son.
“You know,” said Hed, “you mentioned you saw a bunch of clouds in your dream, almost like it covered the land, right? I wonder if you could get a similar sight from the top of that mountain we’ve been digging around.”
“I haven’t been here long enough to know the weather, so you’d have to tell me if the clouds ever get that low.”
“No clue. It gets foggy sometimes, but I’ve never been up on the mountains to see if it’d look like a “field of clouds”.”
“Well, maybe we’ll go to the summit someday and see for ourselves. Might be a fun way for you to get some inspiration for a future piece.”
“Sounds interesting. I’ve never tried climbing a mountain.”
“Me neither. We’ll take a peek at the peak next time we go there.”
“You’ll base your thoughts from the base of the mountain?”
“Use your head, Hed.”
“Ah, you want to see if there’s a point in heading to the point.”
“Exactly. I need to know how it may affect our effects.”
“Maybe you’ll sense the scents of danger.”
“You’re not even making sense now.”
“Well, using my name was cheating anyways.”
Unfortunately, our conversation never got more clever than that. I spent the rest of the day educating Hed while managing the kiln. Considering how thick the pots were, I knew they would take all day to fire. Hed ended up going home before they were finished, but I promised he could be the first to see them tomorrow.
I would learn I had underestimated just how eager he was to see the final product. The sun had barely risen before Hed was banging on my door. I wasn’t even given a chance to see the pots myself before he had me opening the furnace’s hatch.
The pots inside were all still in one piece, a pleasant sign that my techniques had worked just as well with a different material. Having cooled the furnace down overnight, there was only the slightest trace of heat still inside. Together, my apprentice and I pulled the set out for inspection.
Just like the clay used to make them, the pots’ surface was smooth, almost glasslike now. I then tested the structure, tapping my knuckles all across the piece. Thankfully, it seemed as stable as my work back in Dostyn. With a wooden lid, it would be perfect for storing grains or whatever else the villagers wanted. Hed was running his hand over the pot, marveling at how the wet clay had been transformed into such a work of art.
I couldn’t wait to see his face when I made something that was actually impressive.
I decided I’d let Tzofiya know the first batch had come out successfully later, after Hed and I returned from gathering materials. My entire supply of stone had been used to create the kiln so I wanted to get some more for my own projects. Pulling my apprentice away from the completed work, we headed out to stock up for future tasks.
Upon arrival, Hed reminded me to check out the mountain’s climbability. I wasn’t actually serious about going up to the peak, but it wouldn’t hurt to look around some more either. Worst case scenario, I might find another stone outcropping to sample from. We circled around the base, keeping an eye out for potential trails.
As we walked, I began to feel a sense of restlessness. Something was prodding the back of my mind, pestering me that I was in the midst of an important event. It was a distant irritation, barely noticeable really, yet I still tried to decipher this strange emotion if only to fill the time.
It mostly felt like I was on the verge of a nostalgic reverie, but a keyword was stuck on the tip of my tongue. To a degree, seeing the natural splendor of the world with a companion was fairly reminiscent of my first days with Chen, but I knew that wasn’t it. I pondered if it was just because I had been to this same mountain so much that seeing a different side of it was both familiar and new, but that felt equally unlikely.
Unsatisfied with my theories, I shook my head and pushed the niggling concern out of my mind, focusing once more on the task at hand.
We ended up exploring for a while, but as we didn’t have any pressing business, I didn’t bother to keep track of time. We eventually found a side that was covered in trees and sloped more gently before rising into a sheer stone cliff. A huge slab of white stone rose out of the mountain, untouched and pristine.
A perfect blank of stone that shined in the daylight as if it was calling out to one day bear someone’s art.
A canvas.
I stared at the slab blankly as that pestering feeling came back, fiercer than ever.
I couldn’t ignore it now. Something about this mountainside demanded my attention. Was it because of Tornara’s painting? I spent so much time looking at her atop her mountain, it couldn’t be that strange that I was fixated on cliffs, especially not after my dream.
The dream.
Yes, my heart implored me that it had something to do with Tornara and my dream. I leaned my thoughts that way.
I tried to shut out every distraction, focusing completely on that outcropping of stone. It was simultaneously enrapturing and frustrating. The cliff burned brightly into my mind, demanding my concentration. I narrowed my eyes as I tried to figure out why I was so entranced by this damn rock.
In an almost painful flash of inspiration, everything suddenly became clear. Like a burst dam, the epiphany crashed down on me with fervent understanding.
Tornara and the dream, the mountain and a promise.
I finally remember.
There was still so much missing, countless holes in my memories of what had happened in that dreamscape, but I managed to recover the most vital part. It felt like it had occurred long after Tornara greeted me, but I remembered speaking to her and offering to make a monument as thanks for all she had done.
This was that aching void I felt, that greater purpose I had found in my dream.
I promised Tornara I would sculpt a mountainside in her image.
It was a baffling, grandiose claim, not something one should make lightly, but I still had promised it to my Goddess. I had heard stories of people turning boulders the size of houses into works of art, but I had never made anything larger than a person myself. The notion of carving an entire cliff was terrifying.
But I would do it.
It was not a matter of ‘can I do it’, but ‘how will I do it’. My mind was already buzzing with ideas on how to go about such a project. The cliff in question seemed about four times the size of my studio from what I could see, but an accurate estimate was difficult at this distance. It was composed of the same stone I had gathered before, so I already knew its density and stability. I just needed to determine how far should I carve into the cliff, what sort of image should I put there, how I would get myself and other necessities for work up there, when I could-
“Master Lior!!” Hed shouted directly into my ear.
“Ow!” I staggered away from him, clutching a hand over the side of my skull. “Why the hell are you shouting?!”
“Because you were just standing there, spacing out at the mountain! I’ve been talking to you, but you weren’t hearing me at all!”
Although he probably didn’t need to rupture my eardrum like that, I didn’t realize I had gotten so far inside my own head that I couldn’t hear him. Though my focus was thoroughly destroyed, the remnants of constructing my plans still whirred in my thoughts.
“Oh… sorry, I just… had an idea…”
“An idea?” Hed looked at me skeptically. “I mean, this side does look more climbable, but did it really make you think that hard?”
“No, I wasn’t thinking about climbing… you see that big cliff there?”
“Yeah…?”
“What if someone carved it into a huge statue or something?”
“That’d be incredible. But how would you move a cliff?”
“No, you don’t move the cliff. You carve the statue out of it right there and essentially turn the side of the mountain into a sculpture.”
“… You aren’t thinking of doing that, are you?”
“I am. I have to.”
Hed’s jaw went slack. “What? Why?!”
“Because I promised Tornara I would.”
“When did you promise that?!”
“Back in my dream,” I said, absently nodding. “I only remembered after seeing that cliff.”
“Master Lior, I know you love her and all, but that’s crazy! It’s way too big and all the damn way up there! You might be feeling good because of your dream or whatever, but you gotta understand what you’re thinking is impossible!”
“Maybe, but I have to do it.”
“Wait, is this some kind of bit you’re doing?”
“I wouldn’t joke about something like this.”
“Are you making a long-con pun? ‘Cause if you’re trying to make a joke about going off the deep end, normally that refers to pools of water and not steep cliffs.”
“No. Listen, I know you don’t understand my motivation, but this is something I need to do. I told Tornara I would carve her image into a mountain, and she’s done too much for me to not follow through. It’s not a matter of possibility.”
“… Okay, I give up.” Hed threw his hands in the air. “This one ain’t funny at all.”
“It’s not a joke, smartass. Besides, I won’t rope you into it, and it won’t interrupt your lessons either. A project that large would take years, decades, so I’ll probably have to wait until I have income again before I can get started.”
Hed walked away with his back to me, whistling loudly.
It seemed he really did give up on listening to my plan. But that was fine, it wasn’t like it involved him anyways. It was my promise to Tornara, my oath to keep. It would be rude to force others to help me carry it out, even if they were my apprentice.
I did have to admit he was pretty good at whistling, though.
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