A Fool's Goddess - Chapter Eight
I had planned to go back to my cramped apartment, but I now felt an urge to talk to Tornara. Although I could theoretically do it anywhere, it only felt right to me to speak with my Goddess while looking upon her image. Something in me had to see that wondrous, familiar painting, similar to wanting to speak to someone face-to-face and not through a letter. So, to quell this desire, I went back to Master Malka’s studio.
As expected, the lights were still on when I arrived. I knocked on the door before unlocking it and heading inside. I first went into the studio to let Master know I came back and avoid surprising her. And predictably, she was still chiseling away on her block. I could now see what appeared to be some sort of insect taking shape in the stone.
“Good evening, Master,” I called out to her.
She looked over her shoulder, as deadpan as usual. “What are you doing here?”
“Well, as you can see, I’m not drunk! I stopped at two, just as promised!”
“Good boy. Why are you here?”
I put my smile away. “I felt the need to speak with Tornara. About some stuff Chen and I had discussed.”
“Ah.”
“… That’s not a problem, is it?”
“No. Just don’t wake Gili.”
“Of course. I’ll let you know when I’m done.”
“Sure.”
With that, Master Malka turned back to her project while I walked towards the hallway. I could hear the sound of chiseling resume before I passed through the door.
Moments like this reminded me of how fortunate I was to have someone like her as my master. Not because she was awake at this hour, but because she wasn’t even fazed when her assistant showed up in the middle of the night to speak with a painting. I would guess her own eccentricities left her open-minded, but she would likely just say it didn’t matter to her. Regardless, I was thankful. I kept Tornara’s painting here for my work, but that didn’t mean it had become any less important to me. Dealing with my attachment would have been impossible for anyone who didn’t know a similar obsession.
The painting was located in a room on the second floor of Master Malka’s home. The room was a sort of gallery, but we also tended to place extra materials in there for storage. Sculptures from both Master and I lined the walls, with one side being exclusively figures of Tornara. Hanging above them was the painting that had ignited my passions. I lit a lamp, made a seat out of a box of cement mix, and sat down to gaze upon her.
Tornara, the Goddess of the Afterlife.
Even in the flickering light, she was still beyond stunning. I could have traced her image with my eyes closed at this point, but seeing her portrait never failed to fill me with the same awe I had felt so many years ago.
Those gentle green eyes and that impossibly indigo hair.
Her elegant form, gilded with wondrous attire.
The cordial expression that spoke of an absolute love for humanity.
Seeing her completed me and left me wanting. I was peaceful with satisfaction and mad with starvation.
The suffocating duality I had come to recognize as love.
I simply looked upon her without a word, only the muffled sound of distant chiseling breaking the silence. Minutes passed before I thought to disturb the air.
“You know, I’m really, really, really happy with how everything turned out,” I began. “I never would have expected so many good things to come my way after traveling to this city. I haven’t felt so at home since I left Orec. I was prepared for Dostyn’s citizens to distance themselves from me when I began sharing your sculptures, but somehow the opposite happened. Now, people not only appreciate your likeness, they come and ask me about you. I didn’t even know what to say the first time that happened.”
I paused for a moment. I was a bit concerned I was being too loud, but since I could still hear Master working in the background, I decided I wouldn’t have to worry about waking up her wife.
“I hope things have been better for you too. It makes me happy to see people know your name but not associate any heinous acts with it. In a way, it’s like we’ve both helped each other get a fresh start in life after our names were besmirched. Not that what happened to me is really comparable at all to your past, but I guess I wanted to draw a parallel between them. I know you brought me to this city for a reason, so I’m proud to have been able to do what I can to pay you back for all these blessings.”
Watching the light dance across all of the statues’ faces was entrancing. For a moment, I could almost see those sculptures of Tornara moving, expressing, feeling, living. But once I blinked, I was left with cold stones in a flickering light.
A familiar, rancid emotion bubbled into my mind’s light.
“Sometimes, I’m really jealous of Chen and Master Malka,” I said distantly. “It’s like… I love you, Tornara. I love you so much it hurts. It’s like I need to have more of you. When I see my friends speak of their love and marriages, I can’t help but feel lacking. They’re able to see, touch, and speak with their beloveds, but I can’t. It fills me with this terrible envy, but I can’t stop loving you either.
“I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about this either. It’s not their fault I feel this way. And if I tell them I want more in my romance, I’m afraid they might suggest I find a partner while still holding onto my love for you or something. The thought disgusts me. I can’t imagine giving you anything less than all of my heart. But at the same, I… I sometimes wonder why I couldn’t have fallen in love normally…”
As soon as the words passed my lips, I clapped my hand over my mouth in a futile attempt to take them back.
What was I doing? Not only was I forcing Tornara to witness the foulest depths of my soul, what I was saying must have hurt her. It wasn’t her decision to leave my heart aching like this. I know she would speak to me if she could, she was far too benevolent to willingly leave someone to their loneliness. It must have been equally frustrating to hear me bemoan my life because I failed to consider what loving her would be like.
My irritation and resentment turned and crashed against me. In that moment, I loathed what I had become. I hated how I felt such bitterness and I hated how I had failed to keep it within me.
But more than that, I hated how I had so cruelly dumped those repulsive thoughts on the precious Goddess I loved.
I had to apologize. I leapt off my box and kneeled before her.
“I”m sorry, I’m so sorry, Tornara. I didn’t mean it like that!” I pleaded. “I just… I just need more! I want so desperately to hold you, to feel you in my arms. I want to see your smile outside of that canvas and hear you tell me you’re happy to see me too. I want to get lost in your scent and learn to miss the sound of your voice. But I know I can’t have any of that!
“It often feels like you’re there, on the edge of my senses, but… it’s just not enough! I can’t always settle on just sculpting out figures that just look like you! I know my feelings were always arrogant, but it still hurts! Is this what I deserve for thinking a man could have this kind of love for a goddess?!”
My tears fell silently onto the floor. I was left panting as the energy of my outburst left me. My eyes throbbed and my throat burned. Wet-faced and ugly, I remained on the floor and cried like a deplorable wretch.
And yet Tornara was still smiling.
A minute passed before I was stable enough to speak again. It took another minute for me to work up the nerve to actually do it.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. All I can do now is apologize for what I said and hope you can forgive me. I love you, Tornara, and I always will. No matter how jealous I’ve become, I won’t let that change how I feel about you. You gave me a purpose and you’ve guided me to a better life. I’m proud to be able to share your image with this city and I’ll do what I can to revive faith in you. Honestly, I must be a terrible person to want more than what you’ve given me…”
A foolish, arrogant, terrible person.
With a sigh, I rose to my feet and sat on the box again. I wiped my face. Hopefully no one had heard my sniveling.
“I guess this why I should either be completely sober or black-out drunk. I say the stupidest things when I’m only halfway buzzed. I didn’t plan to come in here and complain to you either, so again, I’m sorry for that. I wanted to talk to you about what Chen had said about the war in the south getting too heated and how I should leave the country before that happens. I’m not sure I can do that, though.”
I was too ashamed to keep my eyes on the portrait and instead looked over at my sculptures. One showed Tornara in deep thought, a hand on her chin while she gazed skyward.
“I don’t want to leave because I don’t want to undo my efforts here. And belief in the other five Gods isn’t as popular outside our country, so I don’t think I’d be able to spread your name as easily out there. I think you’d want to stay with your siblings, so I want people to see you as a member of the pantheon and not like some new faith.”
Another sculpture displayed Tornara filling a jug with river water.
“But I don’t want to fight a war either, especially not one where at least one side thinks they’re doing it for their god. Your name was sullied through violence and I don’t want to repeat that. The circumstances might be different, but I’d still be hurting and killing people because I can’t die and let you be forgotten again. It’s the same in the end. That would still be violence in your name, and I won’t allow it.”
Yet another presented Tornara as if she was lying seductively on her back, her arms laying next to her head with her legs bent towards another.
“I guess I still need to think on it. I want to talk to Master Malka about it as well, but that can wait until tomorrow. I’ve bothered her enough tonight. I don’t think she’d plan to leave, but I feel like she could help me clear my head. Sleeping would probably help too.”
I sat there in silence, waiting for a reply. I knew I wouldn’t receive one, but my hopes were persistent. Like so many times before, I felt as if there was something at the edge of my hearing, like someone was calling to me from the other side of a windless desert. But I knew that feeling was nothing more than a selfish desire, a mortal’s wish for a deeper connection with the divine.
But still, I waited.
Eventually, I got up and pushed the box back in its place. I picked up the lamp to snuff out its light, but I stopped to look at Tornara’s portrait one more time. Despite all the disgusting words that had spilled from my mouth, her smile never wavered.
I took some comfort in that.
“Good night, Tornara.”
With a turn of the knob, the lamp’s light disappeared and left the pseudo-gallery in darkness. I left the room and quietly closed the door behind me.
As promised, I detoured into the studio to let Master Malka know I was leaving. She narrowed her eyes at me, but then simply said good night. I was glad for that. The last thing I wanted was to find out she had heard me crying in the gallery.
I then travelled back to my shared home. The rooms were full of snoring men by then, so I didn’t even bother to try and be quiet as I made my way to my bed. With an exhausted flop, I fell asleep almost instantly amidst the din.
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