A Fool's Goddess - Chapter Eleven
The leap felt awkward with the painting tucked under my arm, but I still managed to land on my feet. Stumbling forward, I took in a few gasps of wonderfully clean air. My heart was pounding in my chest, but there wasn’t any time for rest. I immediately started looking for a way down from the neighbor’s roof.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t one, meaning my only options were climbing or jumping. I went to the roof’s edge, lowered myself down until I was dangling from just my free hand, and dropped into the alley behind the studio. Without wasting a second, I started moving again.
I didn’t even make it a dozen steps before someone yelled out behind me.
“One of the heretics is escaping! They’re in the alley!”
I cursed. It would seem I wouldn’t get off so easily. However, catching me wouldn’t be an effortless affair either. I bolted down the alleyway.
I ran through the streets and alleys, zigging and zagging to make my path as confusing as possible. I didn’t dare look back to see if I was still being chased. Honestly, it wouldn’t matter even if they had given up; the chaos within Dostyn demanded I keep moving. Thick plumes of smoke rose across the city and people were running and shouting everywhere as they panicked with god-fearing hysteria.
It would seem my assumption was correct; staying in the city was out of the question. Where I would go was still undecided, but for now, I ran towards the gates.
The guards were likely too busy dealing with fires to be watching the roads right now, but I was prepared to run past them if it came to that. I’m sure they would normally have a problem with the sight of someone with a head injury running around with a painting under his arm, but right now, I was probably the least of their worries.
Hopefully they would be more concerned with the bastards chasing me. As I ran onto the main road, they started shouting at me.
“Sinner! You can’t escape judgement!”
“Repent, you heathen!”
“You should have stayed in the fire, you damned heretic!”
I flinched as I heard Asa’s voice, and almost considered stopping to face him. He must have been furious to find out one of his “sinners” had been alive the whole time and escaped. The bastard was probably afraid Dostyn’s people would find out the Gods had spared a heretic and now sought to ‘correct’ things.
But no matter how badly I would have liked to make Asa pay for what he had done, I was outnumbered and had promised my friends I would survive. Clenching my jaw, I kept running for the city’s exit.
As suspected, they weren’t any guards at the gate. Without anyone to stop me, I dashed out of the city and made a hard right. But instead of following the city walls, I ran into the nearby forest in an effort to lose my pursuers.
I rushed through the forest, weaving past trees, taking every opportunity to put more obstacles between me and the screams of Asa’s cohorts. I pushed through thickets, bounded over boulders, and waded through a river. I ran on and on, going ever deeper into the forest.
The zealots’ shouting grew more distant, but I wouldn’t relax yet. Instead, I kept running until I couldn’t hear them anymore, and then ran a little further. Even as my lungs threatened to collapse, I kept moving.
It wasn’t until the sun was directly overhead that I finally slowed and stopped. It had been a while since I last heard the zealots, so I conceded that I had finally lost them. I then immediately flopped down next to a tree, practically leaning on the frame of Tornara’s painting.
I was panting heavily as I cooled down on the shady grass. I didn’t know I was even capable of running that much. I could already feel it was going to take its toll on me later, but I’d cross that bridge when I got to it. For now, I just needed to catch my breath and figure out what I was going to do next.
I had nearly nothing. I had the tools on my belt, the book on Tornara’s legacy, and her painting. There were a few coins in my wallet, but not enough for even a meal. Speaking of which, I had neither food nor water. And considering how much I had been sweating, I’d need to find a stream soon. I didn’t know how to forage or hunt, so hopefully I could find something edible as well.
But I was alive. Despite having an untreated head wound, being completely lost, and carrying not a scrap of food, I was alive.
That was enough for now.
Once I was no longer on the verge of fainting, I shakily rose to my feet and began walking through the woods. My current plan was to see if I could find the highway and follow it back to civilization. I had no idea where I was, but since I had entered the woods on the right side of the city gate, I decided to start heading left and see if I could find it that way. It wasn’t much of a plan, but there was no point in sitting still. I should at least keep moving until I thought of something better.
No matter how inconsequential, I needed to make progress. I needed to stay safe and alive.
Luckily, I found a river soon after I started my trek. It looked clean enough, so I reached down and took several large gulps. The water was cold and refreshing, everything my body needed right then. I even took a moment to dunk my head in to help myself cool off.
However, the wound on my head disagreed with the river’s chill. I pulled my head out, shook the excess water off, and gingerly felt around the wound again. It was now more swollen than it was back in the studio. The inflammation stretched from above my left ear towards the back of my head. I pulled a rag from my toolbelt and tied it around my head, covering the wound for both protection and discretion. The last thing I’d need was some thug spotting an injured man with a painting and deciding he had found an easy mark.
After that, I returned to walking with unclear direction. I eventually wandered upon an apple tree, so I stopped to eat a couple and pocket several more. They wouldn’t make for the most amazing dinner, but it was better than nothing.
Once the sun began to set, I started searching for a place to rest. The sky looked clear and showed no sign of rain, so I settled on a large rock formation that looked safe enough. At the very least, having walls at my back and sides would make sneaking up on me difficult for the beasts and marauders.
I gathered some wood, kindling, and stones in order to make a small fire pit. I had never made one before, but through Chen’s stories of sleeping out in the wilds during a few jobs, I had managed to grasp the gist of the process. I never would have expected those tales of his irritation towards camping would prove invaluable to my survival. He’d probably get a laugh out of it.
I glanced down at the cheap charm on my wrist as I reached into my toolbelt.
My sculpting tools made starting the fire rather easy. I simply banged my chisel against a stone and managed to make a few sparks. The sight of even such a small flame now filled me with anxiety, but I pushed that discomfort out of my mind. I needed the fire to keep me safe.
I propped Tornara’s painting against the rock next to me and dug an apple out of my pouch. As I took a mouthful of the sour fruit, I looked at my Goddess.
As always, she was warm, beautiful, and smiling, standing there atop that mountain as twilight dyed the clouds a magnificent gold. Despite the deaths of my friends, the incineration of my master’s studio, and my subsequent escape from the chaos of Dostyn, Tornara hadn’t moved one bit.
Almost unbidden, I began to speak to her.
“I wonder how you’re feeling right now. Were you scared with what happened today? I certainly was. I never would have guessed a bunch of zealots were around the corner, preparing to kill us because they thought you were the Ventilian God. It’s awful. Seems like the era doesn’t matter, people are always looking to use the Gods as an excuse to hurt each other. Just a shame it keeps happening to you. I thought I could save you from ever being associated with horrid events like that again, but I suppose it’s not meant to be.”
I finished my apple and tossed the core into the flame before pulling out another.
“Do you sometimes feel like you’re actually cursed? I do. This is the second time I’ve had to leave a city for my own safety. Unoph’s people wanted nothing to do with me because I fell in love with you, and now a horde of religious nutjobs set Dostyn on fire because they thought you were a different God. But I guess that’s my lot in life. It was my choice to stand by you after all.”
I took another bite. It didn’t taste like the apples were ripe yet, but that didn’t matter. I was going to need the energy.
“I can’t believe Master’s studio is gone now. All those sculptures, gone. I wonder what’s gonna happen to Gili. She’s probably devastated, losing her wife and home in a single day. Hell, she lost her best worker too. And Chen’s fiance isn’t any better off. She didn’t even see him the night before everything happened. Shit, they’ll probably think I died in that fire too…”
That’s right, I wasn’t the only one who had lost those close to them today. Back in Dostyn, there were two people weeping over the same losses I had suffered. And I couldn’t even go back there and let them know what their loved one’s final moments were like. But then again, maybe that was for the best.
I put my apple down and stared at my Goddess.
“Why did they have to die, Tornara?”
She didn’t answer me.
Of course she didn’t.
She never answered me.
“Was it because I was jealous of them? Did you decide that I needed to be punished for my envy? Was it because I let my love for you grow too arrogant? Just because they were satisfied with their relationships didn’t mean they had to lose them! It’s my fault for being so selfish, I should have died in their place! They were good people who accepted an idiot like me! Of course I was jealous of them, they didn’t let their lives revolve around you!”
I knew what I was saying was terrible, but I couldn’t hold it inside any longer. For even though I loved Tornara, I also loved Master Malka and Chen. Losing them hurt. In that moment, even her smiling face couldn’t quiet the agony ripping its way out of me.
“I don’t understand how you Gods can be so terrible to the humans you’re supposed to watch over! You expect us to worship you, yet you let the best of us get their heads crushed in! Those bastards killed the only people that mattered to me and burned down Master’s studio, and you did nothing to stop them!
“Did Asa speak the truth?! Was that actually what the Gods wanted?!” I screamed as the tears streamed down my face. “Was this an attempt to teach me some horrible lesson, to get me to stop thinking I can love a Goddess?! Because I clearly haven’t learned anything! I’m still running around with a cursed painting, talking to my gods damned self!”
I threw what remained of my apple into the darkness beyond my campsite. Burying my face in my arms, I cast aside any restraint and mourned the loss of my friends. I didn’t care if my sobbing drew a robber or a beast, I just couldn’t keep this torment inside for a second longer.
In the middle of nowhere, under the black sky, I wailed with despair.
It didn’t seem like any amount of time would help me overcome this misery. Even after what could have been hours of tears, I felt the pain just as strongly. I barely remembered to put another branch on the fire as the night went on.
I glanced over at Tornara’s portrait. She was still smiling that perfect smile, her image dancing with the firelight. But for the first time in my life, I felt no urge to keep my eyes on her.
Instead, I stared into the fire, thinking only of the flames had razed Master’s studio and incinerated what remained of my precious companions.
I awakened the next morning curled up on my side. The fire was out and the sun was already rising. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep. My body ached throughout, a terrible reminder of my exertions from yesterday. But as uncooperative as my limbs were, I forced myself to my feet. I stretched what I could before eating another pair of apples. Despite how tired I felt, I needed to keep moving and find the highway.
Without a word, I picked up Tornara’s painting and started walking again.
I spent the whole day traversing the forest and found nothing beyond a river, which could have been another part of the one I saw yesterday for all I knew. I drank from it and cleaned my bandage in it. After that, I tried to catch a fish or two, but it quickly became evident that I had no idea what I was doing. To my chagrin, I didn’t even find another source of food before night came. I had run out of apples by then, so I went hungry that night.
Next to the campfire, Tornara watched me from her painting. I stared back, but said nothing. Eventually, I laid down on the grass and tried to sleep.
The next day went a bit better. Around noon, I found some breed of nut tree. I had never seen one like it before, but I was far too hungry to pass it up. I grabbed as many as I could and stuffed my mouth with them. They tasted kind of like peanuts, but a bit more… earthy? Well, as long as they didn’t give me the shits, they would be good enough for now. I filled the pouch on my toolbelt with more for later.
I didn’t find any water today, however. I knew going too long without water wasn’t a good idea, even though the air felt like it was getting colder and I wasn’t sweating as much. I still had no idea where I was or what direction I was going, but I doubted I had wandered into a new climate.
I was more concerned with my injuries. My head was still swollen and showed no signs of shrinking. It ached constantly, and the pain was getting to me. I would need to go to a doctor as soon as I found a city. I thought I was fine since the wound had already stopped bleeding, but now I was worried that my skull was actually cracked underneath or something. I did my best to bear the pain, telling myself it was just another reason for me to keep pushing on.
I still didn’t talk to Tornara that night.
On the fourth day, I saw a wild animal for the first time: a deer. I tried to stalk it and see about taking it down, but it bolted before I could get even remotely close. I didn’t bother chasing after it and instead resumed my trek.
Shortly after, my concern regarding the nuts proved warranted. My stomach started grumbling, but not from hunger. I crouched in a bush to relieve myself, but when I did so, it was a foul, liquid mess. My innards then continued to moan throughout the day, so I nearly collapsed with joy when I found another river.
I took the time to rehydrate, gulping down more water than I felt my body needed. I then waded into the shallows to cleanse myself somewhat, leaving my possessions within reach at the river bank. Satisfied with my near-freezing bath, I took a moment to clean my bandage again.
With the cloth in my hand, I could now see why the wound was throbbing so much. A greenish, milky fluid was stuck to the bandage. It didn’t take a doctor to realize it was pus. Alarmed, I put my hand on the injury. I could feel how raw the flesh was, inflamed with infection.
I cursed loudly to myself. This wasn’t good at all. I had as much experience cleaning wounds as I did fishing, and I couldn’t even see where I was hurt. I needed to get to a city soon.
Why the hell can’t I find my way out of this damned forest?
That night was miserable. I couldn’t eat, my head hurt, and I still couldn’t work up the nerve to speak to my Goddess. The air was growing colder than the Dostyn weather I was used to and the campfire wasn’t enough to compensate for my clothes in staving off the night’s chill. I’m not sure what frustrated me more, being miserable or lacking the power to fix my problems.
Eventually, I forced my eyes shut in a stubborn attempt to find rest.
It didn’t really work.
I felt even worse the next morning. My guts ached, but attempting to eat more nuts just left me nauseous. My head was throbbing and I felt weaker than ever. For a long moment, I just stared out at the sky, trying to clear my mind and think about what I should do. Nothing came to me, just more lightheaded pain. So, to distract myself, I grabbed Tornara’s painting and kept walking.
I needed to keep moving. I had to survive and find help again. I had promised Master Malka and Chen that I would live. I escaped the fire and the city, so it shouldn’t matter if I was sick or lost in the woods. This was just another hardship I would live through.
Right, that was what I had said to them. I had promised my friends I wouldn’t die, so that meant I couldn’t die. I just had to put one foot in front of the other. If I kept doing that, I wouldn’t break my promise. One foot, then the other. Step by step, I would live and keep my promise.
Just had to keep walking.
As the sun began to set, I noticed that the flora around me had changed. It was green and lively, with little in the way of dry wood or kindling. I grimly realized I wouldn’t be able to start a fire tonight with this. Although I hadn’t seen much wildlife, I knew a fire was necessary to keep animals away. In addition, it would be even colder, perhaps dangerously so. Before the light left the sky, I needed to find somewhere to hide overnight.
After another hour of searching, I found a dead, hollow tree. After a quick check for potential residents, I decided to climb inside. The hole was barely large enough for me to squeeze through, but it had more than enough room for myself and Tornara’ portrait within. The inside smelled wet and rotting, but I would have to endure. I put the painting in front of the hole so the back of the frame faced the outside world. Hopefully that would help keep any curious vermin out.
To my dismay, it was still damnably cold in here. I balled myself up in a hopeless effort to preserve body heat. If there was any light, I would surely be able to see my breath puffing out in front of me. I shivered against the damp interior as my fingers grew more numb.
A pit formed in my stomach as I came to accept that there was a very real chance I was going to die tonight.
But before that could happen, I had to speak with her, at least one more time. In that darkness, I whispered, softly and weakly, to my beloved Goddess.
“I don’t want to die, Tornara. I can’t die. I told Master and Chen I would keep living. When I said that, I meant for more than just a week. But I didn’t think I’d get lost like this, I thought finding the highway again would be simple. So why can’t I find it?”
Somehow, even just speaking felt exhausting. I huffed a few breaths of mildewy air.
“I’m sorry for what I said before. I know you didn’t kill them, but I still took my anger out on you. You had nothing to do with their deaths, those were the acts of humans. I just wanted someone to blame. I know what I’m saying are just the pathetic pleas of a dying man, but I’m genuinely sorry. You’ve always watched out for me, and I’ve always loved you because of that and so much more. I know you wouldn’t choose to make me suffer. Gods, I can’t believe I saddled you with my frustrations again, Tornara.”
I swallowed dryly. I was terribly tired, too tired to even cry. I probably could have let myself drift off to sleep already, but I still had a few things I needed to say.
“I even questioned my faith back then. I guess I’m much weaker than I thought. And I’m sorry for that. But I promise, I won’t let that happen again. Right now, however, I need to be a pitiful, disgusting, two-faced human one more time.
“I’m begging you… please, save me, Tornara. Help me find the road or a city or anything that will help me fulfill my promise to Master Malka and Chen. I’ll do everything you could ever ask of me, I just need to survive this. I’ll dedicate the rest of my days to you and only you, if I can just live to see them…”
My eyelids fell down without my decision. My tongue was growing heavier with each heartbeat.
“Please, Tornara… my love…”
I lost consciousness as the words stumbled past my lips.
It was impossible to tell how long I had stayed in that hollow tree. But I was somehow still alive. Cold and feeble, I had survived. With a weak attempt at a smile, I said a quiet thanks to Tornara for granting my selfish wish.
Now I just had to get out of this forest so I could find road to a city and then find a doctor and a warm meal and a dry place to sleep free from the dangers of animals and bandits and zealous madmen.
I moved Tornara’s painting aside and was nearly blinded by the daylight. I felt more frail than ever. My injury didn’t hurt as much, but I didn’t know if that was a good thing. In addition, I couldn’t feel any thirst or stomach cramps either. I was pretty sure that wasn’t a good thing.
With great effort, I managed to climb out of the tree. I then resumed my vacuous plan of forward momentum. Unable to hold the painting just under one arm, I clutched Tornara’s portrait in front of me as I continued to search for a destination. The sun was directly overhead, but the air felt impossibly cold. My limbs were numb and I couldn’t even think straight. All I could remember was my desire to walk, to keep moving.
So that’s what I did.
I walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked.
Thoughtless to the passage of time and the world around me, I walked.
Until I fell.
I tripped on something. I don’t know what. Tornara’s painting launched from arms and skidded across the ground. I tried to lift myself up again, but I didn’t have the strength anymore.
With hollow single-mindedness, I instead crawled forward.
I eventually managed to get my hands on the portrait, but it became obvious I wouldn’t be able to move while holding it. Before I could figure out a solution, I began to feel a fresh wave of numb disconnection.
That familiar sensation of fainting.
I couldn’t stave it off. Something instinctual warned me that I wasn’t going to wake up again if I passed out, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I couldn’t abandon Tornara, I couldn’t die here, and I couldn’t keep moving forward. A torrent of needs drowned me, but I was too weak, too inept to fight for them anymore.
I was going to die here.
I was going to betray the promises I had made to my friends and spit in the face of the Goddess who mercifully let me see another day.
What a pathetic failure I turned out to be.
I tried to say something. I wanted to apologize to Master Malka, to Chen, to Tornara, to let them know how badly I wished things had gone differently. I wanted to tell them I was sorry for lettings things end like this and for wasting the gifts they had given me. With my final breath, I sought to let out a desperate cry for forgiveness.
But I couldn’t even manage that. My tongue refused to respond.
One last disappointment to bookend my life.
The cold crept ever further into my core, taking all feeling with it. I knew the end was near. However, I didn’t bemoan my fate or try to struggle any longer.
I simply closed my eyes and finally accepted my futility.
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